I need to do this before some jerk leaks the end of Harry Potter. I give you:
WHAT HAPPENS IN BOOK 7.
by Jason Downey, esq.
The following characters will die:
The following characters will fall in love:
Voldemort will die in the following way:
Harry and Voldemort will fight. Neville will do something detrimental to Harry's victory. Snape will die ensuring Harry's victory. Perhaps Ron, too, but probably not. He'll die earlier.
The following thing will not happen, since Rowling is too smart to allow it:
Harry will look up into the sky after the book's climax and see the benevolent spectral images of Dumbledore, Ron, the Potter parents, Sirius, and that Cedric bloke what died in book 4.
-Harry will be badass in this book in a way that is absolutely not accidental.
-Hagrid will do something worthwhile that isn't incidental (though it still may be clumsy).
-This book, though full of darkness and badassery, will not be the Dark Knight Returns of the Harry Potter series--that was book 5.
-All fans who got caught up in the IS SNAPE GOOD OR EVIL campaign should as soon as possible go to bed without supper. Snape is so obviously not evil (though he is an ass) that it's not worth talking about. And anybody who's ever read or watched a story before with a chaotic character who sins knows that Snape's doomed. He's gonna die. For a good cause. I'm telling you.
Other than that:
-It's anyone's guess. But I called it.